AwayGoalsRule.com - Football Forum

"I don't know what's wrong with him, maybe he's having his period right now...maybe he just needs some attention and a kiss on the mouth" - Diego Maradona responds to suggestions of tension between himself and Sergio Batista, one of his Argentinian assistants.

The best of the verbals during the recent weeks of sunshine...

* "To be in a two-horse race with Manchester United for an England international gives me great pride" - Publicity-shy Phil Brown puts a positive spin on Michael Owen not joining Hull City. It's unknown if Owen even talked to Hull.

* "Now they say of him [Ancelotti] in England that he is Prince Charles. But I only know one Prince Charles, and that is the Prince of Wales. Ancelotti is no friend of mine" - Jose Mourinho. Ouch.

* "You cannot argue with Alex Ferguson. He is like the president of England. It is impossible, you always lose" - Carlos Tevez.

* "It's not the same any more. To be honest, it's rough. Everywhere new that opens attracts the wrong type of people. It's not nice, so I haven't bothered to go out" - Alex Curran, wife of Steven Gerrard, complains about the nightlife in Liverpool in a magazine interview published a week after Gerrard was cleared of affray following a trial during which he admitted hitting another man in a Merseyside nightclub.

* "The jury oath or affirmation requires a jury to faithfully try the defendant and give a true verdict according to the evidence. Do you confirm that you would be able to put aside any football loyalty or partiality and to take and abide by the strict terms of the oath or affirmation?" - Question posed by Judge Henry Globe to the jury for Gerrard's trial.

* "It's City isn't it? They are a small club with a small mentality. All they can talk about is Manchester United; they can't get away from it. That arrogance will be rewarded. It is a go at us, that's the one thing it is. They think taking Carlos Tevez away from Manchester United is a triumph. It is poor stuff" - Sir Alex Ferguson gives City the ultimate back-handed compliment.

* "Everybody likes to have fans around the world and not just in Manchester, so we hope we will become the darling of world football" - Manchester City executive chairman Garry Cook. The new Kenyon, anyone?

* "Obviously there are places where I would not want to go. Tottenham? Let's reject that" - Roma striker Mirko Vucinic.

* "Is evil something u are...or something u do?" - David Beckham is greeted upon his return to LA Galaxy with a fan's questionnaire. Very odd.

* "I haven't a clue what else I would have done [other than football]. I wasn't really the best in school. I always enjoyed RE, so maybe a priest" - Wayne Rooney gives us a glimpse into a bizarre alternative reality.

* "Liverpool have The Beatles and Manchester have Oasis. I think Manchester has the better band" - Cristiano Ronaldo.

* "He shouldn't actually be wearing that [England] shirt because what he was saying about my wife was a disgrace" - David Beckham concerns himself with sartorial elegance after a spectator at a LA Galaxy game concerned himself with with Victoria.

* "You have very, very good breakfasts. I even had Yorkshire pudding the other day and I thought it was really good" - Carlo Ancelotti.

* "I have friends at City and I hope they do really well and that they finish above Arsenal" - Ashley Cole opts to ignore diplomacy. And which club launched his career.

* "Ross McCormack telephoned me today to indicate that if another club came in for him, he would wish to leave. This is three weeks after signing a new four-year contract" - Peter Ridsdale is understandably bemused.

* "I always said I wanted to come back to the Premier League. I chose a little bit of a difficult way to do it I think" - Sven Goran Eriksson didn't join Notts County for the money then.

* "I regret my move from London, but unfortunately nothing can be done about it now" - Spare a thought for Alex Hleb, who left Arsenal a year ago because of the "noisy and chaotic life in London".

* "I look at other players and think Ronaldo's cheap for £80m" - Roy Keane makes his point.

* "The one man in world football who you would want a good opinion from is the one man who signed me" - Michael Owen brown-noses Sir Alex Ferguson.

* "I cannot make miracles. I am not Harry Potter" - A little more from Jose Mourinho.

* "At first I thought it was a really bad chest infection, or maybe alcohol poisoning. I felt so weak I couldn't move or eat When I was told I had swine flu, all sorts of things started going through my mind. You see on the news people dying of it" - Micah Richards' holiday in Cyprus didn't go entirely to healthy plan. The revelation that he feared his ailment might have been alcohol poisoning didn't go unnoticed either.

"Evra clearly got the ball. It was a fantastic tackle, actually, and Ballack did not complain. That's unusual."
Sir Alex Ferguson is not a happy chappy after Patrice Evra's booking in the Community Shield.

"Chelsea were in an attacking position - I've seen them do these things time and time again. They've got a professional thing about them that's sometimes unsavoury."
Fergie can't resist another pop at Chelsea after they scored while Evra was lying on the ground, following another tussle with Ballack.

"We have to wait for others to shake the apples from the tree, then try to make sure we are in a position to react quickly to the apples left on the ground. I'm afraid that's just how it is.''
Stoke boss Tony Pulis on life at the bottom of the transfer-market food chain.

"De Lucas' pedigree is unbelievable - if he was a dog he'd win Crufts.''
Blackpool manager Ian Holloway believes former Chelsea and Espanyol forward Enrique de Lucas, currently on trial at the Seasiders, is the dog's doodahs.

"If you met your ex-missus in a pub, would you have any feelings for her? Of course you would."
Holloway on taking his new club to former love QPR on the opening day of the season.

"I don't know how long we were outside the hotel. I think I was sleep-walking. It wasn't ideal. I think anyone would be slightly miffed at 5am standing in the rain with no shoes on."
England wicketkeeper Matt Prior on the early morning fire alarm that disrupted the players ahead of the fourth Ashes Test.

I like the area. Where I'm staying is lovely, has a nice view and it's not as cold as I thought it was going to be. It's a nice place to be."
Sunderland signing Darren Bent on the joys of the north-east.

"We will have loads and loads of people away. We have got full internationals, under-21s and under-20s. We might as will invent an under-22 and under-24 competition.''
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill loves international friendly week.

"It's better to go now than be rubbish, batting like a busted ass and making a fool of myself.''
Former England batsman Mark Butcher on his retirement from first-class cricket - sounds like has the perfect credentials to slot into England's middle-order.

"My main concern is we should never have allowed (Clinton Morrison) to stoop so low to score his second - someone should have took his head off!"
Ipswich boss Roy Keane has clearly mellowed with age, after reacting to the 2-1 defeat by Coventry.


Me Tarzan, you pain

"I was thinking of having the name 'Savage' removed from the back of my shirt - and getting them to put Johnny Weissmuller instead!"
Derby's Robbie Savage on the club's Tarzan-style pre-season training regime, involving swimming rivers and climbing trees.

"I had a heel problem last season, but luckily the deflection came off my good heel!"
Cardiff striker Michael Chopra after nicking a cheeky goal against Scunthorpe.

"Unfortunately I never had the pleasure of meeting Sandra!"
Sunderland new-boy Darren Bent recalls the moment last season when Spurs boss Harry Redknapp famously said: "My missus could have scored that!"

"We are much more ready for the Celtic game than before the last two matches."
Aberdeen boss Mark McGhee following the 3-0 Europa Cup defeat by Sigma Olomouc, which completed an 8-1 aggregate thrashing.

"The timing of his comments are obviously crucial... but I don't want to respond to it. All I'm saying is the game on Wednesday is important for us and that's what my response is."
The SFA's Gordon Smith not responding to comments made by Barry Ferguson over the way the association ended his international career. (Billy Fisher, UK).

"Fabio is coming on. He's the twin brother of Rafael. Rafael is a more familiar face...well, actually it's impossible to tell them apart."
Commentary during the Community Shield game between Man Utd and Chelsea. (Libby Curran, USA).

"It's no good Tony Pulis saying this. Who's Tony Pulis of Stoke City?"
Tony Pulis talking about Tony Pulis as he wages war against ill-timed international friendlies. (Georgey P, England).


Ricky prepares to take on a giant purple gobstopper

''1137: 22-2... Ponting masticating maniacally at second slip. He doesn't chew gum, he teaches it a lesson.''
Quality analysis of Ricky Ponting by Ben Dirs on BBC live text during the fourth Ashes Test. (Mark Cunliffe, England).

Guy Mowbray: "Nobody knew who he was."
Mark Lawrenson: "That's a bit CRUEL, isn't it?"
Mowbray and Lawro discuss the outstanding performance of Newcastle keeper Tim Krul during the draw with West Brom. Good one, Mark. (Sam Brownsword, England).

"Krul and the gang."
Gary Lineker gets in on the act. (Gazza, Cambs).

"What I like about him is I love looking at him. He is such a happy man and he makes me feel good and he can play."
Neil Warnock spreading the love towards new signing Alassane N'Diaye. (Chris Humphris, London).

David 'Bumble' Lloyd: "Are you a twitterer, Athers?"
Mike Atherton: "No."
Bumble: "Facebook?"
Athers: "No. Nor MySpace."
Bumble: "...what do you do with your life?"
Banter during Sky Sports' Ashes coverage. (Shiraz, England).


Accrington in all its glory

Shane Warne: "Did you get up to anything exciting?"
Bumble: "Yeah went to LA."
Warne: "LA?"
Bumble: "Yeah, Lower Accrington. I'm going to USA next week though for two/three days."
Warne: "What you doing over there, Bumble?"
Bumble: "That's the Uther Side of Accrington."
More of the same between Warne and Lloyd, first session, fourth Test. (Barry Bonson, UK).

"Prior taken a tumble playing footie. Do Man Utd warm up for the Champions League with a net?"
Lloyd on Twitter after Matt Prior is injured on the first morning of the Headingley Test.(Shiraz, England).

"I've been on so many drugs I probably won't remember too much about today."
Matt Prior on being dosed up following back spasms before the first day of the fourth Test at Headingley. (Andy Dunford, England). Hopefully he didn't remember much about the last two either - Ed.

"As far as I am concerned there has been no contact with Tottenham - and I know that as I spoke to Harry Redknapp."
Sam Allardyce regarding the rumoured transfer of Christopher Samba from Blackburn to Spurs. (Piku G, UK).

"They were going through puberty and I was playing in the play-off final."
Reading's James Harper tells the 'Get Reading' website about the explosion of young players coming through the ranks. (James Day, UK).


Who's having a good time?

"We've put together a series of measures to ensure that those people who want to watch the cricket are not disrupted by those who are simply there to have a good time."
Stewart Regan, Yorkshire chief executive, on cracking down on crowd disorder at Headingley. In other words, this is cricket; if you want to have fun, go somewhere else! (George, England).

"It was very difficult for both teams - it was very humid. The air was really dry."
West Ham striker Carlton Cole very nicely contradicting himself when talking about the pre-season in China. (Matt Richards, UK).

* "I went away with my girlfriend and we had a wonderful time, there was Rio' s wedding, which was great, but a sad thing was that my hero Michael Jackson died. Me and Rio had it all arranged to meet Michael in London. I was 10 days away from meeting my idol when he died, and it broke my heart. I've followed his career closely. He was an icon. If ever I am in a bad mood I can listen to one of his songs and I will be in a good mood again. I have been contemplating a tribute to him if I score this season, but I'm not too sure it will work out. I actually thought of putting a glove in my sock to pull out if I score, but it could be down there a couple of years, because I've not scored for a while" - Anton Ferdinand. Jeepers.

* "The political debates around the American elections were fantastic, like in France. For me, it was Arsenal versus Manchester United" - Arsene Wenger puts everything into its proper context. He's in no-way-whatsoever football obsessed...

* "I went to Hungary on holiday for a month, too, because I wanted to understand how the Communist system worked. I travelled everywhere. I came back home convinced it would never work" - The Arsenal manager reminisces on what he learnt as a travel-happy youth.

* "You can't do it. Get on a bus if you have to" - Harry Redknapp's solution for preventing drink-driving.

* "Until we are considered to be intellectually equal, we will never be equal. In the 1970s you didn't have black goalkeepers or centre-halves - or not many. If you were a black player you had to play on the wing where you're fast and didn't have to think too much. These are all the misconceptions people had. My contemporaries and I are the management equivalent of those black centre-halves" - Tranmere manager John Barnes.

* "We can put a man on the moon, time serves of 100 miles per hour at Wimbledon, yet we cannot place a couple of sensors in a net to show when a goal has been scored. I thought Gary Johnson and his players could have shown more sportsmanship because they knew it was a goal, like everyone else. But I'm 60 years old and maybe I expect too much" - Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock considers the state of the world after the goal that never was at Bristol City.

* "If it happened at Palace I'd offer Bristol City another game, but they are gutless and they won't. I swear on my daughter's life that I would do that because I believe in taking the moral high ground" - Simon Jordan is a different breed.

* "We have come to expect this from Warnock and Jordan" - The indignant response of Bristol City chief executive Colin Sexstone.

* "What troubles me was that the Bristol City players saw what was going on and by saying nothing, that's cheating" - The quote of Jordan that has reportedly invited the FA's scrutiny. How tedious.

* "There was too much wrong to mention" - David Moyes' sums up Everton's part in the result of the opening weekend.

* "When you throw yourself into that kind of tackle there's a chance you're going to get sent off. He's been in enough rodeos to know that" - LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena reacts to Beckham's red in baffling fashion. Rodeos?

* "Now when I say I didn't see something and I really didn't see it, you don't believe me. So that's the price I have to pay for that!" - Arsene Wenger after admitting he did see some of the incidents he said he didn't see...

* "You can't help but start wondering whose fault is this? Why is it happening? That's a difficult question to answer when the club has accumulated almost £80m in player transfers in the last calendar year - so where has all that income gone? You look at your own wages and you naturally worry about the rest of the staff at the club. To think that perhaps one of them might lose their job because of the situation, you ask yourself: "Is it because of what I'm earning?" It is an uncomfortable fact that the salary of a staff member who might lose their job is dwarfed by the money being generated by the first team - in which case how can we not afford to keep them? The numbers just don't seem to stack up" - David James considers the precarious plight of Portsmouth.

* "Manchester City are doing a very good job and have bought some excellent players. I can understand why Mr Ferguson at Manchester United is a little bit worried" - Rafa Benitez indulges in a little stirring.

* "I am not surprised David feels a bit aggrieved with the situation, you always are when a big club comes along trying to acquire one of your better players" - Mark Hughes digs into Everton's ribs. The 'big club' barb won't have gone unnoticed.

* "I still feel the Premier League is the toughest in Europe" - Well, as the manager of the side that has just won the Premiership three years in a row, Sir Alex Ferguson would say that, wouldn't he?

* "It's important we do our best and kick lumps out of them" - David Dunn plays up to Blackburn's reputation ahead of their opening-weekend fixture against Man City.

* "To be honest, we are not equipped for the Premier League as things stand now" - Birmingham boss Alex McLeish owns up.

* "Maybe he was a bit bored" - Manuel Almunia's explanation for Kolo Toure's exit from Arsenal.

"Harry Redknapp phoned me and said it's the 21st century - how long since we put a man on the moon? And yet Fifa won't let us have cameras on the goalposts?"
Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on the goal that never was at Bristol City.

"Gary Johnson is supposed to be a gentleman - unlike myself - and he nodded straight away that it was a goal."
And there's more from Warnock.

"We've been let down by four people - and not one person in black could see it. It's absolutely ridiculous. I don't know how they keep their jobs. It absolutely stinks."
Fortunately he calmed down a bit later.

"I know very well that the last game of Scolari was against Hull, so I spoke very clearly to my players and I told them, it is impossible today!"
Carlo Ancelotti is relieved to win his first game in charge at Chelsea.

"I couldn't smoke before the match, but after the match, oh yes!"
And celebrates in the most unhealthy manner.

"I am pleased with the result and the season starts here."
Norwich manager Bryan Gunn after seeing his his side respond to the 7-1 horror show against Colchester with a Carling Cup rout at Yeovil. He was sacked two days later.

"The lads have already nicknamed him horse, but I'm not going into details!"
Gunn on striker Grant Holt, who scored a hat-trick in the game. Long face perhaps?

"When you throw yourself into that kind of tackle there's a chance you're going to get sent off. He's been in enough rodeos to know that."
LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena on David Beckham's red card. That's cleared that up, then.


Leo will be with you in one minute

"He's impossible to reach. It's easier to speak with Barack Obama than with Leo."
Argentina coach Diego Maradona on the difficulty of tracking down Lionel Messi.

"I'm going to have a crazy party."
Surprise USPGA winner Y.E. Yang gets his dancing shoes on after seeing off Tiger Woods.

"Even after the finish I couldn't catch him!"
Osafa Powell after trailing in behind Usain Bolt's latest record-breaking run.

"I don't want to go on about money but the wages of their director of football alone are probably five times my playing budget."
Macclesfield boss Keith Alexander not going on about money following the thrashing by Notts County.

"We made Burton look like Barcelona."
Morecambe manager Sammy McIlroy after a 5-2 drubbing at the Pirelli Stadium.

"That was a bit harsh. It was good banter but I was nowhere near their scorer. I was chuckling inside."
Wycombe's Michael Duberry after fans from former club Leeds chanted "1-0 and it's Duberry's fault" when United took the lead.

"The management are doing well to keep us away from the media."
Manchester City's Gareth Barry....being interviewed on Sky Sports.

"I was sitting at home and the phone rang and it was Michael Brown. He normally calls either if you're selected or you've done something wrong, and I was scratching my brain to work out what I'd done wrong.''
Australia's Dirk Nannes on his surprise Twenty20 call-up.

"Look at the state of Neil Warnock. His head was coming off and quite rightly so."
Ian Holloway on the decision not to award Crystal Palace 'that' goal. (Simon Gill, Manchester).


I wonder how Vauxhall Motors got on?

"A night without a game of football on television leaves me a little bit disillusioned. England is a good country because it gets dark early in winter, you go home and you're in an environment where you want to watch television....my wife understands my passion and is ready to pay the price."
Arsene Wenger clearly knows how to treat a lady. (Lee The Gooner, England).

"The fourth official was too young. I don't know how old he is, but I think he is too young."
Rafa Benitez after Liverpool's defeat at Tottenham. So, Rafa doesn't know how old the official is but knows he is too young? (Shantul Sharma, Reading).

"There's some talent , there's some ability and there's some experience. And he hasn't got any of those things...except the talent."
Brendan Foster gives British 1500m runner James Brewer the vote of confidence at the World Athletics Championships. (Chris, London)

Another super show by Shay, but that's a given, isn't it?"
Pat Dolan in pun mode on Setanta Ireland's coverage of Blackburn v Man City. (Paul Laycock, Ireland).

"There's no if, buts or maybes, that was a great save. But Robbie Keane should have scored."
Andy Gray commentating on the Spurs-Liverpool game. (Paul Tuohy, Ireland).

"I'm thinking about locking the national team in my basement, turning on a fog machine, and making them run laps."
Landon Donovan on ESPN about preparing for the Mexico-USA match. (Kailyn LeAnne, USA).

"First of all, I'd like to congratulate Fran - er, Juan."
Andy Murray congratulates 'Fran' Martin Del Potro in his acceptance speech after winning the Rogers Cup in Montreal. (Shiraz, England).

"If you look at that scorecard, he stands out."
Athar Ali Khan on Zimbabwe's Charles Coventry scoring 194 not out against Bangladesh. You don't say! The next best score was 37! (Shy, India).

"The only good thing about today was that I met a lot of lovely Polish people who live and work in London."
Polish basketball coach Mooly Katsourin after witnessing his side's heavy defeat to Israel at the O2 Arena. (Rob, UK).


Come on...give us a clue

"295 test wickets, I'm sure they know who he is!"
Matthew Hayden on TMS when Brett Lee came on to the field in the fourth Ashes Test to chants of 'Who are ya?'.(Lee Carter, England).

"Is there anything positive you can say about Everton's display?"
"Er - it's not six-nil yet?"
Commentators on Radio 5 Live when Arsenal were leading Everton 5-0 at Goodison Park.
(Zoe Parkinson, England).

"The one thing they (Burnley) do have is fantastic team spirit and organisation."
Matt Le Tissier on Soccer Saturday. (Russell Banks, UK).

"Hull boss Phil Brown has lined up 34-year-old free agent Sol Campbell in case Liverpool make an improved offer for his £12-rated defender Michael Turner. (Daily Mail)."
From BBC gossip column - I know Liverpool are in debt but surely they can raise £12?! (Matthew Pratley, Wales).

"I woke up yesterday morning, face down on my bed, still wearing my cricket whites and stinking of sweat and champagne. So I think it's fair to say it was a lively night!"
Graeme Swann parties like it's 2005 after England's Ashes triumph.

"Harmison was bowling, but deep down I was thinking, 'Don't get him out, I want to finish this off!' Alastair Cook took the catch and grabbed the ball. I tried to wrestle him for it in the changing rooms afterwards but it turns out he is freakishly strong. Cook looks a bit of a wimp...but his youthful looks betray a man of steel."
Swanny can't get the ball off his team-mate after taking the final wicket.

"Andrew Flintoff asked me when I came out to bat if I had hired a PR firm this week!"
Aussie skipper Ricky Ponting after receiving two standing ovations at the Oval, following boos earlier in the series.

"If I had known you got a bottle of champagne for run-outs I would have practised more!"
Freddie Flintoff to Aggers after receiving the TMS 'champagne moment' award following his crucial run-out of Ponting.

"I'm no different from fellas in the crowd - if I wasn't playing I'd probably be sat with them.''
Freddie will always be one of the boys.

"I have been in a few adverts but I have not got the body to be posing in my underwear like David Beckham!"
Stuart Broad thinks his new-found fame is a load of pants.


Lily enjoys the tweet smell of success

"Can we play you every year?"
Lily Allen tweets for joy at England's triumph - and rubs the Aussies' noses in it.

"Manchester City are doing a very good job and have bought some excellent players. I can understand why Mr Ferguson at Manchester United is a little bit worried.''
Rafa Benitez indulges in a spot of mind games - before Liverpool were beaten by Aston Villa.

"I watched the game the other night and I thought they could have done with a big lump up front to hold the ball up.''
Kevin Kyle knows just the man to help Scotland - Kevin Kyle.

"If Queen Elizabeth knighted me, would I get the title 'Sir Usain Bolt?' That sounds very nice.''
Usain Bolt hopes to be put to the sword following his 200m world record.

"Not another one!!"
Dr Mark Kermode on Five Live film reviews, as his thoughts were interrupted by yet another Aussie wicket. (Matt Stubbington, USA).

Test Match Special commentator: "There's some fantastic beards in the crowd."
Matthew Hayden: "That looks like Moses over there. Hey, Moses, where's your ark?!"
Hayden should perhaps brush up on his biblical knowledge. (Rob Andrews, UK).

"The World Cup seems a thousand miles away just now."
Darren Fletcher on South Africa 2010. More like 6,000 miles, Darren! (Remi, Germany).


You know when you've been banjoed

"Andy Johnson was literally banjoed out of the game by a player who made no attempt to win the ball."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson. Surely the Amkar Perm player should have been sent off for bringing a musical instrument onto the pitch?!(Christian Dunn, UK).

"When we were bad we were very bad, and when we were good we managed to be good enough."
Andrew Strauss after England reclaimed The Ashes. (Conrad Edkins, Halifax).

"They braved the M6 which today resembled a car park."
Jon Champion talking about Villa Fans at Anfield. (Marc Smith, England).

"I can give you the telephone numbers of her room-mates in Berlin. They have already seen her naked in the showers and she has nothing to hide."
Coach Michael Seme on South Africa's News 24 website, following Caster Semenya's controversial 800m final win. (Anthony Ko, UK).

"It's an amazing feeling; I never thought I'd feel like this playing cricket! Well, it's a rubbish game really, isn't it?"
Graeme Swann after winning the Ashes. (Shay Lad, London).

"This sucks!"
Jason Gillespie on TMS as the Aussies reached 111-7 at the Oval. (Kevin Boxell, UK).

"You clowns!"
Geoff Boycott talking about the run-outs of Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke in the final Ashes Test. (Shaun Blevins, England).

'Harmy's bowling needs to be as aggressive as Dennis Wise, but not as short'."
From the BBC text for the Oval Test. (Paul Keller, England).

"Vince Vaughn yet to get off the mark. Sorry I mean Jonathan Trott."
Shane Warne commenting on Vince Vaughn look-a-like Jonathan Trott's 12-ball wait before breaking his duck on his England Test debut.(V.V, Wales).

"England footballers get caps for every match they play. No wonder they have such big houses, they need somewhere to put all their caps!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd talking about the difference between receiving international caps in cricket and football. (Francis Kyan, Chelmsford).

"Foul there by one number 20 on the other. The referee didn't need 20/20 vision to spot that one."
Martin Tyler commentating on Fulham v Chelsea, 87th minute. Mark Lawrenson would be proud of that one! (Chris Warne, Vernham Dean, UK).

"Matt Prior - he's lost a bit of weight. Looks less heavy."
Mike Atherton on Sky Sports just clearing up what happens when you lose weight. (Piet Berlyn, Bromsgrove).

"Luca Badoer....showing all the pace of an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping at the moment."
BBC live text during free practice two for the European Grand Prix. (Conor, N Ireland).

"Look at the height of that Hearts wall. You'd need planning permission for that back home!"
BBC co-commentator and Hearts legend John Robertson during Dinamo Zagreb-Hearts as a free-kick was about to be taken. (Raymond Hogg, Scotland).


Edgey, Edgey, what's the score?

"Arsenal and U2 were both in Glasgow last night, both rocked the city and both have the edge."
Sky Sports reporter after Arsenal's win over Celtic. (Simon b, UK).

"Modric played well. Keane, Defoe and Palacios played well - I don't want to pick out individuals."
Harry Redknapp....a bit too late. (Tyler, England).

"With my goals, they either go in, or into row Z and luckily for me this one has flown into the top corner."
Burnley match-winner Robbie Blake after his side's win over Manchester United. Pretty sure all of your goals do actually go in, Robbie! (Sam, Ferring).

"I am delighted that many players have resigned since last season."
Harrogate Railway's manager Phil Sharpe in his programme notes for the match against Rossendale Utd. I think he meant re-signed, but maybe the players really were that bad last season?! (Chris, Harrogate).

"Arsene Wenger has a machine gun, Tony Mowbray has a water pistol."
Gordon Strachan on the gap in resources between Arsenal and Celtic.(Joshua Woolery-Allen, England).

"Nothing wrong with the tackle - he's probably got a dislocated shoelace!"
Lawro co-commentating for Ireland's TV3 when watching a replay of a tackle which left Robin van Persie lying clutching his leg in the Celtic v Arsenal game. (Paul Laycock, Ireland).

The wisest of the week's words contains assorted and opposing views on the whole Joleon Lescott hoopla, Rafa gets annoyed, Mickey gets chippy, Johnson gets 'banjoed' and Arsene sees it...

* "From outside I must say it looked a penalty but having seen it again on television, it doesn't look to be a penalty" - Arsene Wenger not only sees it this time, but sees that Eduardo dived. Crivens.

* I am a bit cautious because with what happened to Eduardo. He might have jumped out of the way, so you have to speak to him. I don't think he would have complained if the penalty was not given but did he want to get out of the way of the 'keeper? I have to ask him. I haven't spoken to him yet" - Wenger has a ready-made excuse for his man.

* "Is it acceptable? I have never asked in my life any guy to dive to win a penalty, but sometimes players go down because there is no other way to escape the goalkeeper's tackle, sometimes they dive. We got a penalty against us two years ago in the Quarter-Final of the Champions League that made the difference when Babel dived. Nobody ever apologised to us, it was a blatant dive and nobody spoke about it" - ...Then takes the moral high ground.

* "If it's clear on TV, then UEFA must act against Eduardo and ban him. I think he should get a two-match ban. It wasn't a penalty. Everyone in the Celtic team told him. Artur Boruc pulled away from the challenge. Sometimes people are not honest. Eduardo said nothing to us. He could say nothing. Other players have been banned and, if they think it is the same situation, Eduardo will probably be in trouble" - Celtic's Massimo Donati had his own opinion.

* "People can read what they like into this. But I have said all along I don't want to sell him. But it is a bit like Cristiano Ronaldo leaving Manchester United, there is always a price. At this moment no club has made us an offer for the player that we want to accept" - After months of saying he wasn't for sale, David Moyes prepares the ground for the departure of Joleon Lescott.

* "Joleon's attitude has not been right these past days, he has disappointed me and he has disappointed his team-mates. He is not in the right frame of mind" - Moyes explains why Lescott was subsequently dropped from the Everton first team.

* "I was disappointed in the comments, I feel they're inaccurate. I'd like to address them at a later date and talk more positively about my move here. I don't think I disrespected any of the players. If I did, I apologise" - Joleon Lescott disagrees.

* "I don't think he's doing anything wrong" - And Louis Saha stood by his former teammate.

* "Joleon is arguably the best centre-half in the Premier League and can be for many years to come" - Mark Hughes welcomes his new boy. The crucial word there is 'arguably'.

* "I have told him that he has to stop this. He knows he has to improve this aspect of his game and that the way forward is to respond to any intimidation by scoring. Sometimes it is not easy to deal with everything opponents do but he knows he must deal with it in a different way. In his first season, he was really focused and I think he will be again now. He is a star now and defenders are really worried about him but that is part of his game these days" - Rafa Benitez warns Fernando Torres to stop picking fights with opposition defenders.

* "It is easy for these so-called experts to talk about the game when they don't see the training. Aquilani is a player of quality and any manager in Italy will talk about the passes he can give to Steven Gerrard. But it is easy for people to criticise on television; they have never managed a team that has lost a game - or won one" - ...And has a word for Liverpool's critics, who may or may not be a former player with troublingly tight trousers.

* "This squad is virtually the same as last season, so I believe it is good enough to mount a title challenge. But we must do more, we must win at Bolton. We will have to sit down and analyse every player now, and make sure we do the right things in our next match. But our senior players must take more responsibility" - Benitez had some stern words for his big boys too.

* "You cane me and then want an interview?" - Mickey Owen responds in grouchy fashion when asked for a few words after Manchester United's win against Wigan.

* "Liverpool's bad beginning in three matches is not normal but I believe my exit has not been that decisive. Players are not that indispensable and these are only the first moments of the season. I am convinced the team will recover" - Xabi Alonso shrugs and claims Liverpool's shonky start has nowt to do with his departure.

* "Newcastle supporters will pick their own president and the manager. It's the same at Barcelona and Real Madrid. You never know, they could end up buying £60 million or £70 million players. It works for Barcelona, why not Newcastle United?" - Graham Roberts gets a little ahead of himself in announcing his bid for Newcastle.

* "Andy Johnson was literally banjoed out of the game by a player who made no attempt to win the ball" - What now, Roy Hodgson?

* "I feel I still have a lot to offer as a footballer" - Sol Campbell, after confirming that he will be offering that at Notts County.

* "I'm looking at more future-wise now. I'm looking at career-wise" - Campbell stops just short of saying 'Have you seen how much they're paying me!' when asked 'Err, could you not have done a bit better?'

* "It's a fantastic challenge to help get Notts County back in the Premiership" - And Sol offers a superfluous word. See if you can spot it.

* "I did not sleep well and I wanted to make an apology. There were a few incidents before and then bit of a coming together between us and a clash of heads" - Sheffield Wednesday's Franny Jeffers tries to get his apologies in early before something serious happens after nutting a Port Vale player.

* "His conduct was totally unacceptable and something this football club will not tolerate from any player. We have therefore enforced the heaviest punishment available to the club with immediate effect and transfer-listed the player" - But as it turns out, he wasn't quite quick enough, with boss Brian Laws unsheathing his knife rather rapidly.

"The penalty decision was Old Traffordish."
Words can't describe how Arsene Wenger feels about a Man Utd spot-kick - so he makes one up.

"It was weird, spectacular. I didn't even know where to go...just because I kicked a bottle of water, I didn't say a word to anybody. And it was quite a good kick."
Wenger after being sent off at Old Trafford and forced to stand with United fans.

"It is a witch-hunt. What else is it?"
The Arsenal boss fears dark forces are at work after Eduardo is charged over the dive against Celtic.

"It's just the two of us. We'll probably ride out in the sunset together."
Sir Alex Ferguson on his relationship with Wenger.

"It's clear, of course, everyone expected three wins in a row and to win the title in September!"
Rafa Benitez enjoys a little joke about Liverpool's stuttering start to the season.

"Crouch is Plan B - he gives you a different dimension. That's why I keep buying him!"
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp after Peter Crouch hit the winner against Birmingham.

"It's not about money."
Sol Campbell insists his move to Notts County was all about the challenge.

"I just saw blue shirts everywhere."
Burnley keeper Brian 'The Beast' Jensen on facing the blue meanies of Chelsea.


Never see 'em in the same room

"I've been compared to Vince Vaughn looks-wise. He's funny, so I'll take it!"
Ashes hero Jonathan Trott on his Hollywood alter-ego.

"JT did very well with the Pot Two draw!"
Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon after John Terry avoided picking out Real Madrid and Inter for the Blues' group as he assisted with the Champions League draw.

"I brought my son tonight because he wanted to see Adebayor. I told him he wouldn't get a kick - and I was right!"
Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock after the 2-0 Carling Cup defeat by Manchester City.

"If you ever see me on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or anything like that, you can track me down and shoot me in the head."
Joe Calzaghe bites the bullet after accepting an invitation to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, months after this comment to an online Welsh TV channel.

"Dad's driving my car and I'm driving his Astra!"
Derby's Miles Addison after boss Nigel Clough told him he was too inexperienced to drive the Range Rover he'd bought after passing his test.

"It's hard in that situation to go down to 10 men."
England WOMEN'S defender Lindsay Johnson after the sending off of Casey Stoney in their Euro 2009 defeat to Italy. (Steve Coughlan, London).

"Macclesfield have gone back to basics. They've signed Reid and Wright."
Sky's Jeff Stelling commenting on the latest additions to the Macclesfield squad. (Tony Murray, England).

"The players are a nice bunch of lads and you would be happy for any one of them to come home with your daughter. Unfortunately, they are involved in football matches and they need to be aggressive."
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson after the Carling Cup defeat to Carlisle. The man is a legend! (Aidy Muttram, England).

"An English player would be nice, because I think we have enough foreigners. Someone like Andy Reid?"
Stoke fan on the radio, speaking about Sunderland's Dublin-born midfielder. (Kal Louis, UK).


Snooker Loopy nuts is he

"If my football club ceased to exist, I wouldn't support anyone else. Because, to be honest, I much prefer snooker."
Justin Lee Collins on Football Focus. (Shiraz, Harrow).

"My grandma started jogging in 1999.....we've no idea where she is now!"
Bumble's mutterings whilst commenting on Thames side joggers outside The Oval. (Kieron Donovan, UK).

"I think we're on the right tracks, I really do. The problem is, though, that if you sit on the tracks long enough you get run over."
Coventry Manager Chris Coleman getting a bit too literal with his cliches. (Daniel, England).

"We have another five weeks in England. Here in Scotland is a good place to start."
Australia vice-captain Michael Clarke in an interview on BBC World Service. (John Cottrell, Germany).

"If this game stays as boring as the other ones I've had this season, it will be 0-0."
Tony Cottee on Sky Sports before the Newcastle-Huddersfield Cup game. The match finished 4-3 to Newcastle. (Liam, Rugby).

"Part ballerina, part gangster."
ESPN commentators on Zlatan Ibrahimovic during Barcelona v Sporting.(Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).

BBC reporter: "How would you sum up the action?"
Robbie Paul: "It was a game of two halves."
From HALF-TIME at the Rugby League Challenge Cup final. (Jerry Gardner, Ireland).

"This new ball is going quicker than ever - it literally explodes off the player's foot."
Jamie Redknapp reveals the secret technology behind this season's new footballs. (Richard, England).

"It's like taking kid from a candy."
David Coulthard describing Kimi Raikkonen passing someone using Kers, following the race at Spa. (Farid Hashemi, UK).

"2 Shea!"
Robbie Savage commentating on 5live during Man Utd v Birmingham when Brum sub James O'Shea joined United's John O'Shea on the field.(Gary Church, UK).


Pass the salt and pepper

"If you see a better shot than that all season, I'll eat my shoes."
ESPN commentary on Artur Boruc's save against Hibs. (Luke Ramsden, England).

"By definition, a five-year plan takes five years."
Colin Montgomerie on the course improvement plan for 2014 host Gleneagles. (Steve Fenton, UK).

"When you have a piece of metal in your body it is always in the back of your mind."
Wasps director Tony Hanks on Cipriani's ankle plate that seems to have slipped into his brain. (Chris Painter, UK).

"Everton will ask Tottenham about taking winger David Bentley after being quoted £15 for the former Blackburn winger last week."
BBC Sport gossip column. A bargain in my opinion! (David Lewis, Portugal - and about 20 others).

"The biggest improvement over the last 12 months has been his fitness because he's able to reproduce the whole time."
Andy Murray's former coach Mark Petchey is perhaps hoping for a new generation of tennis stars. (Tim, UK).

"You ask 100 people, 99 will say it's very bad and the 100th will be Mark Hughes."
Arsene Wenger crosses Hughes off his Christmas card list after the Manchester City manager defended Emmanuel Adebayor's alleged stamp on Robin van Persie.

"If somebody stamps on your head in that way, you wouldn't say, 'thank you very much' and turn the other cheek. Only Jesus Christ did that."
Wenger backs Van Persie for speaking out about the unholy incident.

"I don't know what I have done wrong to get banned."
Adebayor protests his innocence to The Sun. Are you going to tell him or am I?

"I don't watch Match of the Day, I watch Coronation Street instead. The omnibus edition."
Portsmouth boss Paul Hart - and who can blame him?

"Steven Gerrard could play right-back and still be effective because these are world-class players. I wish he had been at right-back, though!"
Burnley boss Owen Coyle after seeing his side stuffed by Liverpool.

"The fans should bring their boots, especially if they can play at the back. And my hip's feeling a bit better, so we'll see."
Neil Warnock ponders plan B after Crystal Palace are thumped 4-0 by Scunthorpe.

"Before the game he spoke five languages - his native Costa Rican, Portuguese, Spanish, French, plus a smattering of English. Now that's up to six because he learned bad language after listening to me bawling at half-time!"
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson swears by new signing Alvaro Saborio following the 1-1 draw at Coventry.

"I've not met Briatore yet. I'm glad he wasn't here today, otherwise he might have sent me back to Wigan himself!"
QPR loan signing Ben Watson after his mistake led to Peterborough's goal on his debut. I think Briatore might have bigger fish to fry at the moment - Ed.

"It is a basket-case of a club...I will resist the urge to write a book, although I think it will sell more copies than JK Rowling!"
Newcastle keeper Steve Harper believes life at St James Park is just wizard.

"This was not a defeat. It was a humiliation."
Croatia coach Slaven Bilic after the 5-1 loss to England.


Aha!

"It's like Alan Partridge living out of a suitcase."
Goalkeeper Scott Flinders on latest club Hartlepool - the fifth side he has been loaned to by Crystal Palace.

"I've had loads of red cards. I think there is me and Patrick Vieira as the most red-carded players in the history of the Premier League, so I'm in good company."
Richard Dunne is not proud of his disciplinary record - or is he?

"I only just started watching tennis at the start of this year, to be honest. I didn't really have that much time with a baby running around, and I was happy just to sleep when she was sleeping."
US Open champion Kim Clijsters, who defied the odds to capture a Grand Slam after a 27-month lay-off spent feeding and sleeping.

"Strengths: Movement, power, fresh. Weaknesses: her daughter."
US TV channel gives its verdict on Clijsters at the start of the tournament.

"I was thinking that maybe I should have a baby and then I'll come back faster."
Serena Williams figures winning the US Open is child's play.

"If I could I would take this f******* ball and shove it down your f******* throat."
But she won't be winning mum-of-the-year awards with outbursts like this to a line judge in the semi-final with Clijsters which cost her the match.

"I'm very pleased to be here. I don't know how he does it, I wish I did!"
Britain's Marlon Devonish on finishing sixth behind the irrepressible Usain Bolt in the 200m at the World Athletics Final.

AND SOME FROM YOU


Sutil is pleased with his work

"Not yet."
Adrian Sutil when asked if he knew who the gorgeous young woman standing next to him was while being interviewed after the Monza GP.(Conrad Edkins, Halifax).

"He ran the length of the pitch. I thought it was Usain Bolt!"
Phil Thompson on Emmanuel Adebayor's goal celebration against Arsenal. (Shiraz, Harrow).

"For me, I always study the last games that have been played, not what happened in the past."
Fabio Capello. Er...so that would be the recent past, then? (Floyd Murray, South Africa).

"Ireland couldn't decide whether to take the ball inside or shoot himself!"
John Motson on Match of the Day explaining the apparent life-or-death decision facing Stephen Ireland. (Will R, England).

"Certainly we saw the best of it in those highlights."
Steve Claridge on the Sheffield Wednesday-Nottingham Forest game, Football League Show. (Paul B, UK).

"Phil, if the whole of Abu Dhabi is playing for Arsenal, are you telling me there's a gulf between the two sides?"
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday, after Phil Thompson mispronounces Abou Diaby's name. (Shiraz, Harrow).


Sheringham - harsh but fair

"Without being too harsh, Croatia were appalling."
Teddy Sheringham at half-time during the England-Croatia game. (Benni Sluckis, England).

"Why do I want to be in the business when you're getting robbed? At least Dick Turpin has a mask on when he robs you."
Boxing promoter Frank Maloney feels slightly aggrieved by referee Terry O'Conner's decision against his boxer John McDermott on Friday night. (Chris Sutherland, Scotland). Get well soon, Frank - Ed.

"There are some places in Brazil where the boys do not have the same conditions or treatment we have here. It is less-well medically, psychologically and footballistically."
Arsene Wenger invents yet another new word, when describing how much better it is for youngsters to train at Arsenal than it is in Brazil.(Mark Bodwell, Canada).

"Robbie Savage..."
What darts commentator Tony Green kept calling Robbie GREEN by mistake during the BDO World Masters. Made worse by the fact he shares the same surname! (David Bedlow, England).

"Scotland 2, Macedonia 0, Bryan McFadden with one of the goals."
BBC Northern Ireland's Stephen Watson reading half-time scores during Poland-N Ireland game. (Keith, Northern Ireland). At least it took Bryan's mind of Kerry Katona - Ed.

"No need to put your hand up, mate, we know it's you."
ITV commentator when the Croatian goalkeeper raised his hand after the fifth goal went in against England following his error. (M A, UK).

"If this was a boxing match it would have been stopped already."
Teddy Sheringham at half-time during England v Croatia. (Bean, Darlaston, England).


On no...not Pickles

"43rd over - 186-2: White skies one and Bresnan drops a dolly coming in from long-on. Bresnan looks like a man who has accidentally run over his nan's pet cat. Strauss looks like his nan."
From BBC live cricket commentary by Ben Dirs. (Alison, England).

"Once they scored it, of course it was going be to a completely different ball game."
BBC Three Counties radio coverage of Oxford v Luton. (Sam Hollis, England).

"Brett Lee's G-string snapped."
Sir Ian Botham talking about the Aussie quick performing on his guitar the night before the match at the Rose Bowl. (Amy, Buckinghamshire).

"Diego can adapt to play as a second striker. Del Piero is a forward. Both players are intelligent champions and I think they will play with their eyes closed."
Zvonimir Boban describing the secret to being a successful footballer.(Timothy, Barbados).

"Tshabalala plays his football for the Kaizer Chiefs, presumably he never misses a beat!"
Sky Sports commentator on Republic of Ireland v South Africa. (Gavin, Bristol).

"4. Courtney Lawes - has a girl's name, but I won't tell him that to his face."
606 fan describing his Premiership RFU team of the week.(Andrew Barker, Netherlands).

"I saw Gary Neville running off like a lunatic" - Mark Hughes after watching The Neviller run towards the Man City fans, realise what he was doing, and then pretend to warm up (despite the fact that United had used all their substitutes).

"You look at Gary Neville - a man who has won everything there is to win - championship after championship after championship. The excitement he showed at his team winning and he was only a sub. He wasn't sitting on the bench with his arms folded. He was jumping higher than Fergie when they scored and that's why they are where they are. That is why they succeed" - Harry Redknapp's views on the 'lunatic'.

"I remember getting beaten at Bolton last year and looking at the bench. I think two of them were asleep with hats pulled down and blankets over them. I said 'I'm sorry to drag you up here, I know it's f****** cold and you could be at home with the missus with a cup of tea. It's hard for 30 grand a week to watch a game!'" - Redknapp carries on.

"In the end we feel really frustrated and, if it is not a too strong word, robbed because the ref has played seven minutes" - Hughes points a finger at referee Martin Atkinson.

"There has been a lot made about the time-keeping at the end, but they are excuses to us now. We are professionals, and have to look at ourselves individually and collectively - and it just wasn't good enough" - Joleon Lescott disagrees.

"Obviously I can't quote exactly what he said but it was like 'Get off the pitch'" - City assistant boss Mark Bowen reveals what Craig Bellamy said to Jake Clarke before slapping him.

"He shouted at me, "Get off the f***ing pitch you f***ing knobhead"" - Jake Clarke.

"All Craig has done is go over there and tell the guy to get off the pitch. Craig wasn't privy to how much time was left to enable us to get back into the game. The guy made an aggressive move towards him and Craig wanted to get him off the pitch. Craig just put a defensive hand out to push him away" - Comical Sparky's version of events.

"How saintly can we expect players to behave in the face of sometimes quite unnecessary provocation?" - Roy Hodgson.

"I must admit I did believe I would get a different reception from the United supporters. Initially everything was positive and I was greeted by my former team-mates and United staff without any problems at all. But as soon as I entered the field the atmosphere was very different. It was hard to take because previously I was always wanted by those people" - The naive Carlos Tevez.

"Manchester City have not provoked any of this controversy and United have created a climate of hostility against us" - Javier Garrido.

"It's been unusual for us to accept that they [City] are top dogs in terms of media attention but, you know, sometimes you have a noisy neighbour and you have to live with it. You can't do anything about them if they keep on making noise but what you can do, as we showed today, is get on with your life, put your television on and turn it up a bit louder" - Sir Alex Ferguson. Miaow.

"I don't think we made as much noise as is being made out. A noisy neighbour? Well in terms of noise our fans made then you could possibly say that. They know after the character that we showed at Old Trafford, Manchester City are not going to go away" - Hughes has an answer for everything.

"People threw bananas at me, and the referee told me that he would report this to the police. I have had other problems, with spitting or fights on the pitch - but not with racism. I can understand that they don't like me at Everton, but to say that I uttered racist words towards a child is nonsense" - The loveable El-Hadji Diouf.

"Thomas went to shake hands with Wilshere, he refused and Thomas reacted, so it was a red card. But there was an exchange of words and there was a reaction" - Roberto Di Matteo.

"My eyes are not great and my ears are even worse. I could not hear anything from the touchline" - The very funny Arsene Wenger.

"We didn't play any football in the second half and I think we're getting above ourselves, thinking we're better then we are at the moment" - West Ham keeper Rob Green after another defeat.

"I'm never quite sure how far to go with praising young kids because the next thing you will see him probably driving a Mercedes and he'll have his socks over his knees and four earrings in and a Walt Disney hat" - Norwich boss Paul Lambert has a curious idea of fame as he discusses Korey Smith.

"When we joined, the two clubs that had constantly won the Premiership were Manchester United and Arsenal. Chelsea broke that cartel. On the sporting front, we became a respected domestic club and a respected European club" - Peter Kenyon plays fast and loose with the definition of 'respected'.

"Naturally I'm a bit rusty. I normally have a pre-season to get my fitness but I'm working hard and making sure I'm doing the right things. I'm trying to catch up with the rest of the lads fitness-wise. It's going well. Games are the best thing for me now" - Sol Campbell, four days before quitting the club after just one game.

"He was a lion of a man...make that three lions" - Gary Lineker on Uncle Bobby.

"Sometimes you have a noisy neighbour and have to live with it. You can't do anything about them if they keep on making noise but what we can do, as we showed today, is you can get on with your life, put your television on and turn it up a bit louder."
Sir Alex Ferguson refuses to switch off where Man City are concerned.

"They did seem quite excitable at the end of the game. It was reminiscent of Brian Kidd and Sir Alex in days gone by and I saw Gary Neville running on like a lunatic as well."
City boss Mark Hughes is not a fan of Fergie's dad-dancing.

"Maybe it was a good joke."
Hughes has a theory on why Sir Alex and fourth official Alan Wiley were having a laugh on the touchline during the time added on to the added-on time.

"I remember getting beaten at Bolton last year and looking at the bench. I think two of them were asleep with hats pulled down and blankets over them. I said 'I'm sorry to drag you up here, I know it's f****** cold and you could be at home with the missus with a cup of tea. It's hard for 30 grand a week to watch a game!'"
Harry Redknapp on the hard life of the modern-day footballer.

"My wife has never told me who her favourite player is but she did have two pictures taken with Beckham a while ago!"
England coach Fabio Capello knows it will be more grief than it's worth to leave Becks off the plane to South Africa.

"I'd like to find that guy with the drum and give him a big snog - even though he probably wouldn't like it much."
Blackpool boss Ian Holloway attempts to snare Bloomfield Road's resident sticks man.

"I feel like a burglar who has gone into somebody's house, nicked something, chucked it in my swag bag over my shoulder and off I go."
Holloway after Blackpool's smash 'n' grab raid at Nottingham Forest.

"They will make Holloway rock soon."
Tony Pulis believes his old mate will be immortalised in Blackpool's famous confectionery following the Seasiders' electric start to the season.


Here's looking atcha beautiful

"He is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I have watched Lord of the Rings and films with strange looking people, but for a human being to look like he does is pretty shocking."
David Haye meets his next opponent, 7ft 2in 'Beast from the East' Nikolay Valuev. Rather him than me - Cons.

"He was a lion of a man. Make that three lions."
Gary Lineker's tribute to former England boss Bobby Robson at the memorial service for the great man.

"When Danny Murphy came off the pitch, he shook my hand and said 'I really hope you stay up'. I nearly said 'I hope you stay up too' but bit my lip."
Mick McCarthy after his Wolves side saw off Murphy's Fulham 2-1.

"I'm going to pull the Arsene Wenger - I didn't see it....well, the ref didn't see it, so that makes two of us!"
Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock finally agrees with a referee after Derby are denied a late penalty at Selhurst Park.

"People talk about momentum in one-day cricket and we're on a roll now!"
Graeme Swann after England finally beat Australia in a one-dayer, after losing the previous six.

"There were one or two things in it that made it difficult to sign, like he wouldn't be allowed to participate in dangerous sports - and he's possibly doing a television series in which he may do bungee-jumping."
Freddie Flintoff's agent Andrew Chandler reveals why the player turned down an England contract. That should put the knee through its paces - Ed.

"I'm never quite sure how far to go with praising young kids because the next thing you will see him probably driving a Mercedes and he'll have his socks over his knees and four earrings in and a Walt Disney hat."
Norwich boss Paul Lambert on his young midfielder Korey Smith. (Richard Moore, UEA).


The food of champions

"Maybe a cheesecake for my birthday!"
Juan Martin Del Potro's response when asked what he plans to do with his US Open prize money. (Vincent, Harrow).

"Cheesecake. Definitely. Eggs and bacon, English breakfast, I really like that as well. Eggs and bacon for breakfast is great."
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti on his favourite things about England. (Chris, UK). All hail the renaissance of the humble cheescake - Cons.

In Honduras they call Hendry Thomas El Doctor for his tackling ability, but not because he puts people in hospital! He's like a surgeon, curing things."
Wigan boss Roberto Martinez on his midfielder. (Anthony Ko, UK).

"Branston has got himself into a pickle again."
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday as Burton skipper Guy Branston was sent off. (Mark, UK).

"When you see four minutes put up, you sort of know how long that's going to be."
Gareth Barry on the time added on during the Manchester derby. (Andy Jacott, England).

"Not the tallest, but he can jump."
Alan Smith describing Carlos Tevez's unique skill. (Tom, Norwich).

"If you've just joined us, we are having a long delay, because Bassong's head has bounced off the pitch."
Radio 5 live commentator during Chelsea's win over Tottenham. (Jude, England).

"If the ball is in the back of the net, you can't catch them on the counter."
Johnny Giles with a cutting insight during RTE commentary. (Paul Kelly, Dublin).

"Portsmouth - Still winless, still pointless."
Mark 'Chappers' Chapman questions Pompey's very existence on Final Score. (Johnny Lyttle, Leeds).


Hollyoaks and football - a match made in heaven

"If Hollyoaks is anything to go by, stopping over for the evening may be a good idea."
The travel guide on the Stevenage Borough website for the match against Chester. (Alex, England).

"I've heard Arsene Wenger says nothing in the first five minutes of half-time, Alan. He just says, well, he doesn't say anything."
Mark Lawrenson to Alan Green on 5 live during the Arsenal-Standard Liege match. (David Howorth, England).

"I'm a strong believer that if you score goals, you win matches."
Charlie Nicholas on Sky Sports News talking about Scotland manager George Burley. (John Bleasdale, Scotland).

"Shot."
Michael Vaughan's response on TMS to nearly every shot during the fifth one-day international. I'm not sure he's quite got the hang of this commentating thing yet! (Matt, England).

"Cardiff City's new £50 stadium holds 26,500 and was opened in the summer."
Picture caption on BBC Sport website. I always knew Cardiff were cheapskates! (Callum, England).

"As they were on their way up, they were already coming down."
David Pleat during 5 live commentary of Spurs v Man Utd as Vidic and Crouch went up to do battle. (Garry Hodge, Solihull).

"West Brom are having a bad little spell. They were leading 4-1, but now they're leading 3-1."
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday. (Kevin Connolly, Northern Ireland).

"I guess it was written on the wall."
Sky commentator when Grafite scored his second for Wolfsburg v CSKA Moscow. (Chris Holland, England).

"Grafite has well and truly written his name all over those record books."
The BBC's Jonathan Stevenson on the live text of the Champions League. (Peter Roberts, UK). A pattern is beginning to emerge here - Ed.


I'd rather be playing football

"That goal certainly put a smile upon his face."
Sky Sports' presenter's half-time analysis on Chris Martin's goal for Norwich at MK Dons. (Connor Stewart, Walsall).

"We were one-paced and sluggish in the first half, but in the second there was only going to be one winner."
Nottingham Forest boss Billy Davies after his team DREW 1-1 with Ipswich. (Andy, UK).

"I was going to hitch the shorts up to my nipples. I thought that would have been a good celebration, but the fans would have thought what the hell's he doing?"
Newcastle's Steven Taylor ditches his planned goal celebration after scoring against Plymouth. (Anthony Ko, UK).

"Since I arrived at the club I've been walking around with my slippers on, but now the gloves are off."
Hibs boss John Hughes keeps his feet warm with a mixed metaphor. (Brendan, Scotland).

From tonight:

Wolves boss Mick McCarthy: "My assessment was that we weren't good enough to win it - we've been sat down, patted on the head and sent on our way. Nice old Wolves, come up, put on a show, but don't upset the apple cart. It annoys me."

"When I was on the touchline all I could hear was Benitez giving me directions. At times I'd think 'why don't you just put the batteries in and turn me into a robot'. Sometimes I just wanted to play my natural game, but there were so many instructions: how to go forward, how to defend. He has been through so many players, so many strikers, so many midfielders that he takes the best attributes out of them" - Jermaine Pennant.

"There are players at Liverpool and you think 'how is he getting a game?', but Rafa has faith in them. He thinks some of the players are the best thing since sliced bread" - Pennant is still talking.

"I could put him in central defence and he would be as good as anyone" - Rafa Benitez on Dirk Kuyt. Anyone else surprised he hasn't tried?

"The Champions League is a very different and difficult competition, but we have confidence we can beat anyone" - Benitez ahead of the clash with Fiorentina.

"Our mentality in that opening period was just not right, we were bad all over the pitch and I cannot really recall a performance like that. They were on top of us all the time, we played badly and they were just better than us" - Benitez after the defeat to Fiorentina.

"I am not slower now than I was seven, eight years ago, no chance" - Michael Owen.

"Get him tied down dear - rings are cheap now" - Sir Alex Ferguson to an embarrassed Jonny Evans' girlfriend.

"When you look at the tackles he gets each game, well quite frankly the lad has reason to dive...if not he would break himself" - Patrice Evra on Ronaldo.

"In the derby against United I had also decided not to celebrate our goals but, after the bad treatment I received from the supporters that day, I have changed my stance on that. If I score in the next derby then I am sure that I will celebrate" - Carlos Tevez.

"I have always worked in clubs who make money, and I would not feel that I do my job well if we lost money at the end of the season - never, no matter what happens on the sporting side - because you put the club in trouble and, in my opinion, that cannot be accepted from any manager" - Arsene Wenger.

"It's not because I'm against spending money; I have nothing against spending money. It is not a personal thing, it is just that I have a squad that is strong enough to compete" - Wenger again.

"Can you buy players at Waitrose? It's not a supermarket, you can only use the transfer market you have" - Wenger again.

"Obviously you are going to have your critics but now is the time for strong men to make strong decisions and I am going to have to make some big decisions" - Phil Brown.

"We didn't play very well. We lost all the battles, all the duels. We didn't win anything. We were poor. This is the worst game I have played in since I have been at Chelsea" - Didier Drogba pulls no punches.

"Names like Roberto Carlos and Benjani were mentioned. But nothing materialised. And you know when people have money because things happen quickly. The only thing I'm guilty of is taking people at their word. So I'm not embarrassed, not hurt or humbled or anything like that - I am just disappointed. I bought into a dream and I wanted to make that dream a reality. But it took me less than a month to realise that it was all heading to a different conclusion" - Sol Campbell attempts to explain the inexplicable.

"I'm putting everyone on the transfer list and I've told them so. When you come to a place like Meadow Lane with all their quality and riches you cannot role over and have your bellies tickled for you" - Port Vale boss Micky Adams reacts badly to defeat against Notts County.

"Sometimes when you are in the middle of an 'action' and you get a little push, and you know there's nothing more to take. Basically, the guy pushed you and finished the whole action. Then you're in the right to show, in a way, to the referee that you've been pushed. Know what I mean?" - Robin van Persie tries to explain the difference between diving and exaggeration.

"I am angry with myself, my team and with everybody right now. Not everyone, including myself, is doing what he is capable of. It's as simple as that" - Gianfranco Zola.

"When I got us up at Sunderland, maybe I got a bit of luck. Maybe I was just very, very lucky and I have been found out" - Roy Keane.

"You look at yourself as a 23-year-old thinking you can't be bothered to train today, then you look at Sir Bobby doing press ups in the snow at 70. It brings it home to you that you have to give it all you can while you have got the opportunity" - Kieron Dyer belatedly wins some respect.

"The pace of the game demanded a referee who was fit. He was not fit. You see referees abroad who are as fit as butchers' dogs. He was taking 30 seconds to book a player. He was needing a rest. It was ridiculous."
Sir Alex Ferguson claims Alan Wiley is not fit to referee after Manchester United are held by Sunderland.

BBC reporter:"People are going to ask me to ask you - are you going to stay on?"
Roy Keane:"I refuse to answer that question."
BBC reporter:"We'll take that as a yes, then?"
Roy Keane:"Take it whatever way you want."
Keano being interviewed following Ipswich's 3-1 defeat at Barnsley. If looks could kill....

"Yeah it looked a bit of a strange one but we've just seen it and I think it did hit his chest."
Portsmouth's Steve Finnan tries to keep a straight face when asked about the blatant penalty denied to Wolves after Marc Wilson clearly handled in the area.

"We saw Jaws from James Bond at our hotel. He looks frightening in real life, like in the film. We all had a group photo and he was pretending to choke some of us. He would make a good keeper judging by the size of his hands."
Bristol City goalkeeper Dean Gerken as the team meet an unexpected guest at their hotel in Newcastle.

"They're all drunk now but I've got a case of 12 empties for him because I know what he's like with money - he'll be looking for the returns!"
Burnley boss Owen Coyle reveals Birmingham's Alex McLeish sent him a case of Irn-Bru when Brum joined Burnley in the top-flight. The empties were all the Birmingham manager took from Saturday's game at Turf Moor.

"Thanks heavens Argentina don't watch him - he'd walk into their team. Whenever they ask for a video of him, I'll just send them ones of him making gaffes from about 10 years ago. They won't know the difference!"
Palace boss Neil Warnock wants goalkeeper Julian Speroni all to himself.

"It is not just about winning trophies - I can say that in the last five years I have won lots of trophies myself as a human, if you see what I mean, as well as footballing achievements."
Robin van Persie reveals his human side when asked about Arsenal's four-season trophy drought.


It's finger flickin' good

"We were like Subbuteo players - here, there and everywhere!"
Stoke midfielder Liam Lawrence puts his finger on why they lost to Man Utd.

"I cannot be in three places at one time - I can manage two, but not three."
Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie backs himself to defy the laws of physics at Celtic Manor.

"It was absolute murder. I apologise to the people who are having to pay to watch that."
Falkirk boss Eddie May admits his side's goalless draw with Kilmarnock was criminal.

"He probably just felt a fly land on his nose."
Schalke Striker Kevin Kuranyi defends team-mate Manuel Neuer, following Kevin Grosskreutz's accusation that the keeper elbowed him after Saturday's game with Borussia Dortmund.

"I have my lederhosen ready and I am a party animal so I'm looking forward to the visit."
Bayern Munich manager Louis van Gaal provides a good reason not to visit the famous Oktoberfest beer festival.

"The thing I have learned from this game is that the world is round and it is going to come back somewhere in his captaincy. It will be interesting to see how he handles it if it happens again."
Graeme Smith's response to Andrew Strauss refusing him a runner in their ICC World Trophy game.

"They scored from a hoof...I thought that was the way we were supposed to score!"
Bolton boss Gary Megson on Spurs' first goal in the 2-2 draw at the Reebok.

"We've got a mobile number here, 416066!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd after Paul Collingwood's expensive over to Shane Watson in the Champions Trophy semi-final. (Jas Singh, UK).

"On another day, they both would have scored today."
Graeme Souness on Sky after Chelsea v Liverpool. I'm sure it made sense in his head! (Piet, Bromsgrove).


Coventry could not cling on for victory

"A superb free-kick from 20 yards out by Clingan, it must have been out of this world."
Jeff Stelling on Gillette Soccer Saturday commenting on a free-kick scored by Coventry's Sammy Clingan. (Jeff, Lancashire).

"Today, their best out-field player was the goalkeeper!"
Doncaster manager Sean O'Driscoll following his side's 0-0 draw with Swansea. (Oli, Warwickshire).

"We did not score goals and so we lost the game."
Samson Siasia, Nigeria's Under-20 Football team coach states the obvious after his team lost 2-0 to Spain in the Fifa Under-20 Cup. (Wale Fatade, Nigeria).

"It was never a 3-0 scoreline."
Charlton manager Phil Parkinson defending his side's 3-0 loss to Colchester. Kinda was though... (Jonny, UK).

"That boy has more dummies than Mothercare."
Pat Nevin talking about Paddy McCourt during Celtic's game with Rapid. (Gerard Lawless, Ireland).

"This group of players are pretty tight."
Portsmouth manager Paul Hart talking about the delay in his players' wages. (Mo Patel, Bolton).

"The goals changed the game for us."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins after his side went down 2-0 at Forest. (Patrick, England).

"We know in sport there's no room for complacency. We've come forward with some recommendations and now our job is to take those recommendations forward."
Lawrence Dallaglio on the RFU task group. (Paul Wileman, England).

"He felt his groin after training on Sunday."
Sir Alex Ferguson on Michael Owen. (Chris, Wales).

"There's a terrific atmosphere here (at Fiorentina), they always have passionate crowds in France."
Chris Waddle gets his countries mixed up during Fiorentina-Liverpool. (Sam Milne, England).

"Well, he just can't stop scoring!"
Ken Bates on the arrival of striker Lucianno Becchio's baby daughter. (Oliver, Malton).

"We had three French officials and a French manager of one of the teams. I don't think the referee was biased but a goal was offside."
Olympiakos manager Zico after Arshavin's goal in the Champions League, which he didn't think was biased at all! (George Uppington, Bristol).


Brilliaaaannnnttt!!!

"I thought we were excellent, it's never easy to play against 10 men but we were brilliant. Every goal was brilliant and I'm delighted with the lads. Since I've been here, the lads have been brilliant for me."
Norwich boss Paul Lambert is obviously a fan of the Fast Show character. (Olly).

"Get him tied down dear. Rings are cheap now!"
Sir Alex Ferguson puts Jonny Evans' girlfriend under pressure when discussing footballers getting married. (Shiraz, Harrow).

"I've literally been in management for two minutes."
Roy Keane on BBC2 before the Ipswich v Newcastle game. He must have been spending too much time with Jamie Redknapp! (Mark Harding, England).

"You have to expect that from Tim Cahill, he's got the ability to do the completely unexpected."
Commentator on The Quay radio station during the first half of Pompey's 1-0 loss to Everton. (Dave, Surrey).

"Man United may only get three or four chances against you, but they can end up scoring three, four, even five from them."
Clark Carlisle on MOTD2. (Matt the Villain, UK).

* "I like that you keep your history in Britain. You don't use your red telephone boxes but you keep them. When we went to Scotland [to play Celtic] we stayed in an old castle. I felt it was only yesterday that knights had left the building" - Andrei Arshavin adapts to his new surroundings...

* "There are a lot of crazy things here. What does 'British food' mean? I heard about fish and chips but I do not eat it. I heard about ales! Ales! A special drink like beer but without gas! I've not tried it. And what is porridge? At home, I eat soups and Russian salads. If I go to a restaurant in Russia and ask for simple salad, there are lots of cut tomatoes, cut cucumbers and a few leaves. But here? Opposite way! There are a lot of leaves and one cut tomato and two slices of cucumber!" - But struggles with the British menu. Oh, and staying with Arshavin...

* "A lot has been said about Aiden McGeady in the last few weeks. From Jim McLean attacking him for his Old Firm performance to Mark Lawrenson saying he's a two-bob show pony, the word seems to be he's not all he's cracked up to be. But let me state here and now that in terms of what's required to be a top-class player McGeady is everything and more. He could walk into the Arsenal side tomorrow and take Andrey Arshavin's place" - John Hartson gives us a good laugh.

* "I feel like a new-born baby" - Cristiano Ronaldo. No further comment.

* "For me, driving in London is harder than managing Chelsea" - Carlo Ancelotti.

* "It's very difficult driving in this city. I find it hard to control the left side of the car, I do not have the control on the left side. I'm lucky I drive an automatic - if I had gears to think about as well it would be really hard. In Italy, when I want to look in the mirror, I glance to the right. But when I try that here the mirror is not there. It's on the left side. It is hard for me" - The Chelsea boss explains his difficulties.

* "I'm 67 but I have never had one day off since I became an apprentice at 16. Someone once asked me what my greatest quality was, and I see it as working hard. Working hard all your life is one of the hardest things to do, but lying in bed does you no good, moping around does you no good. Work does you good, so you shouldn't be afraid of it. It is rewarding, self-satisfying and brings you self-esteem" - Sir Alex Ferguson reveals the secret of his success.

* "I identified what was important in my job: freedom. Here, I have it. I could have earned bigger wages at Real, but I earn a good living in London. At my age, money can't play a key role" - Arsene Wenger explains why he turned down Real Madrid.

* "Did you see Match of the Day? They actually pixelated the face of the kid who threw the beach ball on to the pitch to try to save him from embarrassment! Just imagine the stick he'll be getting at school today. Well done, son, you're a hero" - MUTV's Stewart Gardner kicks the beach-ball in after that goal.

* "If anyone knew that rule, that it should have been a drop ball, then you are one saddo. They have got it on telly with the guy who threw it on and it's got Liverpool crests all over it. What a shame" - Steve Bruce. Of course, as well as the 'saddo' element, perhaps the people who should have known the rules were the four officials on duty at the Stadium of Light...

* "I'm absolutely amazed that a referee at that level of football, along with his assistants and the fourth official didn't see what had happened and make the right decision. I'm amazed the goal was allowed to stand. It's something you learn on your initial refereeing course" - Former ref Jeff Winter gives Mike Jones and his assistants the red card. So to speak.

* "Yes, Terry is my pet" - The general translation of remarks made by Carlo Ancelotti on an Italian TV show broadcast on Wednesday night.

* "It was like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months as president. He gets the man of the match after 30 minutes here" - Fabio Capello scoffs at David Beckham winning Wednesday's champagne for his 35-minute cameo against Belarus.

* "Yes, I was a bit surprised Barack Obama won the Noble Peace Prize considering he is sending hundreds of troops to Afghanistan to go to war" - The response of Steve Bruce.

* "Beckham mania descended into certifiable lunacy on Wednesday as England's bit-part celebrity was named the man of a match to which he made a lesser contribution than the ball boys" - The Daily Mail's Jeff Powell goes overboard in his indignation.

* "I saw Mr Powell's article calling it grotesque, but I looked over the other page and the ratings gave nine for Crouch and eight for Beckham. And yet he is caning me for an insult to English football" - Bruce spots the flaw in the Mail's critique. We think he must read Mediawatch.

* "I think there is an awful lot of expenditure and you say to yourself, 'Where is it going to end?' This is exactly what was happening in the business world two years ago. There were warning signs and everyone knew there were, yet they carried on because it was so easy to access loans. In the football world you say to yourself the warning signs are there, but nobody seems to be bothering about it. You wonder where it's going to go and what is going to happen if one major club were to go, to collapse" - Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of a club with debts of approximately £700m.

* "People say, 'I hope you get cancer' and 'I hope you turn your car over and kill your wife. They are not human beings. It [a bad reception] won't bother me. The people with any brains know what I did for them."" - Harry Redknapp pleads for sympathy ahead of his return to Portsmouth...

* "Everybody goes on about Pompey being in debt but that's nothing to do with me" - And pleads not guilty...

* "Ireland are the England B team" - Just when you thought you couldn't think of any more reasons to want Ireland to beat France, Raymond Domenech gives you another.

* "The best bit was when I went to sit with the QPR fans at Northampton and they started singing 'Carlisle is a genius' to the tune of 'Go West'. That was such a brilliant moment" - Clarke Carlisle on becoming the winner of the Britain's Brainiest Footballer programme.

"Basically, it's s*** or bust" - Glen Johnson's verdict ahead of Sunday.

"We'd rather lose both games again and win the league than beat Liverpool and not win the league" - We wonder whether Gary Neville still feels the same.

"Losing to Liverpool is the most pain you can have when you play for Manchester United" - Patrice Evra.

"I would not have commented to the extent I have today, but reading in the paper that the Premier League said we made no request to get the game called off, that's just sitting on the fence - normal splinters up the backside as usual. They know that we went through the right procedures and that we did not call it off because we couldn't. There was no point because [last season] they told us we had to get a team out there no matter what. It is their responsibility to consider how dangerous it might be to allow this to spread throughout football, so they have shirked responsibility, not us. I don't think they have put much thought into it at all" - Sam Allardyce.

"I stick to my grandmother's recipe which is hot milk and red wine. It's fantastic" - The increasingly brilliant Carlo Ancelotti.

"Spitting is disgusting at all times. It's unhygienic and unhealthy, particularly if you spit close to other people. Footballers, like the rest of us, wouldn't spit indoors so they shouldn't do it on the football pitch" - An HPA spokesman.

"What can I do at United next week? Probably try to play 13!" - Allardyce again. He talks a lot, you know.

"Well, Halloween's coming up and I was thinking of Wolverine. It's not anything to do with any play-off ritual - I'm just lazy and can't be bothered to shave. And everybody keeps telling me to cut it and I'm stubborn" - David Beckham explains the beard.

"If you look at the squad that Phil Brown has got and what he will do with that this season compared possibly to the squad that Rafa has got, I think you'll find that Phil will come out on top in terms of how you add value to a group of footballers" - Hull chairman Paul Duffen.

"It's unusual not to see you standing outside Newcastle in the rain" - Gordon Strachan to Sky Sports 'favourite' David Craig.

"Guus Hiddink was here on Friday. We spoke about Pav, how he is, how you get him going, how you try to get him going. He had the same opinion as me, really. He said sometimes he shouts at him, sometimes he's nice to him, sometimes he doesn't speak to him at all, and sometimes he talks to him. He's tried all those things. I said to him: "So have I Guus, exactly the same"" - Harry Redknapp. Clang!

"Sir Alex wrote a book and, in it, he was asked the question, did the goal save his job? He wrote that, in training, I would have missed it, but because I got a push in the back from Stuart Pearce it went in! Excellent! So did I save his job? Yes, I did! Did he ever thank me? No" - Mark Robins.

"The goal at Forest was an important goal, don't get me wrong, and who's to say what would have happened without it, but I don't think it saved my job. You never know in football. Who's to say how the club would have reacted if we'd lost and if crowds had tumbled? One thing's for sure though. (Director) Bobby Charlton would not have let it happen. He knows better than anyone the heartbeat of this football club" - Sir Alex thinks differently.

"They sold me for £800,000 and bought Eric Cantona for £1m. That's not a bad bit of business!" - Robins again.

"Whichever one of the Da Silva twins was in midfield - I don't know if was the one with the wedding ring or the one without" - Mick McCarthy not paying attention on Sky.

"Michael Owen, what is he now...35?" - McCarthy again.

"I started a game against Bolton and was pretty pleased and thought I played pretty well. Then I looked at the papers and was given a three or four. But in this game I played pretty average and scored a goal and I'll probably get seven out of 10. I think I deserved a five in this game and seven or eight from the Bolton game" - Anyone thinking Michael Owen needs to chill?

"The patronising stuff from Karren Brady I found galling, to be honest. When I was here she sold players such as Matt Upson from under me, and shafted me on a new contract. Then, all of a sudden, it is all nicey-nicey. I find that a bit strange" - Steve Bruce.

"I met Carson Yeung just once. Different. That is all you need to say" - We're warming to Bruce.

"Scottish football is Scottish football. For a traditionalist like me, that's where the Old Firm should play" - 39th game advocate Richard Scudamore apparently sees no irony in his words.

"Outside the top four, that 'beautiful game' syndrome we all talk about is a myth. It's just a war and the next four games probably won't disappoint on that basis" - Paul Hart talks tough.

"I'd have put an 'a' in it" - Phil Brown when asked whether Jozy Altidore had put the twit in Twitter.

Words, wise and not so, from the week just gone...

* "I was absolutely nowhere near him. It's a joke. I knew I didn't touch him and I said to the referee to book me or send me off, it would have made me feel better. I'm sure he (Ngog) has got a family, well if I went home having done that I'd be embarrassed.

"You're supposed to be teaching your kids an example and that is just an embarrassing case of cheating. But the lad's taken a chance and got his team a point so I'm sure they'll be patting him on the back" - Lee Carsley gives David Ngog the whole 'I'm disappointed in you' spiel...

* "He wouldn't try and con the ref. He's a lad with very good education, correct and polite. He doesn't look for these things. He's never had a problem of this type before in his career" - Ngog's agent, a Mr Bruno Satin, tells us that young David's upbringing means he couldn't possibly have dived.

* "The record sounds awful and it is awful for a club like Liverpool," said Johnson. "But things like this happen in football. You stick together and keep fighting. If someone had told you at the start of the season that we'd win one in nine, you'd have laughed your head off" - As it happens Glen Johnson, most of us are laughing now as well.

* "The referee's position to make the decision was absolutely ridiculous, he can't see anything. He's got a Chelsea player (Joe Cole) standing right in front of him and he doesn't even move. It was a bad decision, but there's nothing we can do about it. You lose faith in refereeing sometimes, that's the way the players are talking in there - it was a bad one" - Sir Alex Ferguson was less than impressed with Martin Atkinson's refereeing performance last Sunday. His thoughts on why United left John Terry unmarked are not known.

* "The Manchester players protested a lot. I don't know why. I don't like this. At the end of a very difficult match, all the players worked very hard - and sometimes it can happen" - Carlo Ancelotti hits back.

* "I think we are starting to see Mr Wenger's comments starting to influence referees which is a shame really" - Just because you're paranoid Darren Fletcher...

* "I can't wait to be involved and play for United again. I want a good season to repay the faith shown in me by the fans. It will be an amazing feeling to run out at Old Trafford again. I will be so excited I will probably pass out" - You and us both Owen Hargreaves.

* "The Premier League is an exciting product for supporters and for television viewers, but there is no doubt that as the years go by, and the same few clubs continue to benefit from the huge additional revenues from the Champions League, the remaining clubs find it enormously difficult to challenge" - Phil Gartside tries to justify his ludicrous two-tiered Premier League scheme.

* "We would prefer it for Phil to stay" - Adam Pearson doesn't exactly give Phil Brown the strongest backing.

* "He's having a Guinness - he deserves one. He does like the spotlight - there's nothing wrong with that - but tonight he's chosen not to. He's just come out of the spotlight. He's having a Guinness. Why shouldn't he?" - Hull assistant Brian Horton on why he, rather than Phil Brown, emerged for the post-match press conference after their win over Stoke.

* I don't normally get so radical at half-time but it was our worst first-half performance this season and the fans rightly showed their displeasure. It boiled down to the players not coping with Pompey's system so we took our wide men off and matched it. It worked tremendously well and it got us another important victory" - Sam Allardyce takes the credit for Blackburn's win over Portsmouth. Funnily enough, it tends to be the players' fault when it all goes wrong.

* "He felt his hamstring a little bit. Obviously with not training, it's a concern. That's what happens when you don't train - you do start to get a few twinges in games. It's a bit of a problem" - 'Arry Redknapp on why Ledley King gets injured due to lack of training. Of course he doesn't train because he'll get injured. Not good.

* "We all want to keep our heads down and do as well as we can. There are times when you can't. We're all human at the end of the day. But it's difficult keeping your head down at 6ft 7in!" - Peter Crouch on his big night out.

* "He'd clean my shoes, make me cups of tea and even came to one of my fan club afternoons...he may be a global superstar but has he ever sold out Discotheque Royale on a Sunday afternoon?" - Lee Sharpe puts David Beckham's medals, success and mountains of cash into perspective.

* "Every time a tournament comes round, they (France) have all these world-class players and then a man who seems intent on messing them up" - Richard Dunne is less than impressed with France coach Raymond Domenech.

* "A lot has been made of diving and, to be perfectly honest, I don't know how to dive because I'm just not that kind of person. But, if it meant my team getting an advantage and a penalty? I would probably take the opportunity. I'm not going to lie, I'm an honest kind of person" - Surely the presence of Kevin Kyle in the Scotland squad is more shocking than his admission that he would cheat.

* "He's the best keeper in this division by a mile, and I don't see anyone better in the Premier League" - Neil Warnock gets a bit carried away with his praise of Julian Speroni.

* "I'm not a racist - I'm a Leeds United fan. My favourite player is as black as the ace of spades" - A Mr Robert Cockerline argues that he coudn't possibly be racist after showing up in court wearing a swastika.

"I will meet with a female doctor who helped Danko Lazovic. She is vague about her methods, but I know she massages you using fluid from a placenta" - Robin van Persie launches a thousand headlines.

"I don't think what he wanted to do got across to some players and also I think some of them are too thick to take it on board and not good enough, to be perfectly honest with you" - Craig Burley sticks up for Uncle George.

"I find that a ridiculous comment to make and 100 per cent untrue. Someone with Craig's experience at the top level should know better than to say something like that. Professional players aren't in the game because they lack the intellect to do anything else. We're fortunate to be in the game and we appreciate that, but to say we're thick is an insult. We wouldn't be international players if we were too thick to understand what the game's about" - David 'Not Thick' Weir hits back.

"I don't think if you had Arsene Wenger or Alex Ferguson managing the Scottish team right now the results would be much different. I think the Scottish players right now are a limited bunch" - Graeme Souness.

"I don't want to say exactly what he [Lassana Diarra] said but he knows what it was, which was a disrespectful comment and it was typical of him, to be honest, and the way that he was. I was hunkered down a little bit when the final whistle went and I saw him walking towards me and I thought he was going to shake my hand. But he made a remark and I lost my head a little bit. You don't expect that from a fellow professional" - Keith Andrews accuses Lassana Diarra.

"A player came towards me and I looked at him - that is all that happened. Anyway, if there were any words exchanged I'm not aware of them. The Irish players do a lot of talking in the newspapers. They are looking to make up stories, claiming we've said this and said that. But I don't see why I would have been talking about the Irish nation" - Lassana Diarra pleads not guilty.

"F*** O**, Irish *****" - What Diarra is alleged to have said to Andrews.

"I've had the impression for days that certain people have been wearing green on purpose. Maybe that's just my imagination. But the other day I opened a can of Sprite, took a look at it and decided I had to swap it for another drink. The moment I see anything green I think about the Republic" - This is why we love Patrice Evra.

"At Middlesbrough the beer used to flow in the dressing-room the moment matches were over. The following day the players were supposed to work on their recovery but instead they'd just have a coffee and then get back on the booze once more. They used to eat Mars bars and chocolates, and when I said something about it they'd fire back, claiming it was to give them energy" - Gaizka Mendieta.

"I'm confident it will never happen...If it did, I'd resign" - Rafa Benitez on the possibility of Fernando Torres being sold.

"The plan was for Barry to play on the left and feed the ball to Robbie Keane, who would play up front with Fernando Torres. This blueprint had to be scrapped. The collateral damage was Keane, who signed from Tottenham Hotspur before the Barry deal had been done" - Benitez blames Keane's failure on Gareth Barry.

"It's just little things. Like when he walks down the corridor past you. The way he holds himself, the way he looks at you. You just know he's a tough man - he has that aura about him. Sometimes he just walks by as if you're not even there and it can be quite intimidating" - Wayne Rooney reveals a fear of Fabio.

"Romario, Ronaldo, these were unbelievable players...some of the things they could do with a football made your hair stand on end. Me? I'm not even as skilful as Joe Cole" - Rooney knows his limits.

"There's often opinion that we are just going to keep buying players, but that's actually the antithesis of what we're trying to do" - Manchester City chief executive Garry Cook presumably spent £200m on players by mistake.

"Even now, I know for a fact the whole Irish set-up is exactly the same. They pick all the Dublin lads, one or two Cork lads, and the Cork lads are thrown on the back seat and that's basically it" - Stephen Ireland.

"He can go from complimenting you to just plain trashing you in a matter of minutes. Has it happened to me? Hell, yes!...I can have a spectacular game but nobody guarantees me I will be starting the next match. It shatters your confidence" - Nani. Shut the door on your way out, fella.

"I thought it was funny actually. My kids said: 'Bloody hell, Dad'. I'm afraid it is a natural thing. You get caught up and I try to change it. But now I speak English differently" - Schteve McClaren.

"They all used to stay in this little clan and you didn't see much of Robinho, but now he's different. We were actually having a conversation last night about the club. He really thinks deeply about the club. He seems really happy and contented. Even his family seems settled and he seems to be really at home" - Stephen Ireland on Robinho.

"In the English papers there's a lot of interest about Barca and Robinho is also not hiding his desire to play for them one day. But I guess we'll see" - Roque Santa Cruz on Robinho.

"The main problem is that it is impossible to find the reasons of my less than superb play. So before the return leg I worry less about the team - they are well prepared - but what should I do to avoid the repetition of the match in Moscow?" - Andrei Arshavin. Concerned.

You missed a classic - Rooney about Capello




... As I am sure Rooney has regular discussions with his team mates about the latest installation at the Tate Modern

"They're all probably clapping hands, Platini sitting up there on the phone to Sepp Blatter, probably texting each other, delighted with the result" - Robbie Keane.


"Do I think it's a conspiracy? Definitely. FIFA want the big teams in the World Cup, they want France in the World Cup, and it may sound silly but they want teams sponsored by adidas. Adidas sponsor the World Cup, they sponsor France. Michel Platini has a lot of influence as well. Maybe we'd have had a better chance of going to the World Cup if it was sponsored by Umbro" - Damien Duff. Sponsored by adidas.


"They can complain all they want but France are going to the World Cup - get over it. France were there for the taking and Ireland didn't do it. Same old story" - Roy Keane.


"The fairest solution would be to replay the game but it is not in my control" - Thierry Henry, approximately 90 minutes after FIFA ruled out a replay.


"When I think that certain politicians want to replay the match...They don't even know if the ball is round or oval and they would be the first to come and drink champagne in South Africa. The replay? I'll do it when you want on a PlayStation" - F365's favourite footballer Patrice Evra.


"What shocked me most wasn't the handball...[it] was that at the end of the match, in front of the TV cameras, this player went and sat down next to an Irish player to console him, even though he'd screwed them three minutes earlier. If I'd been Irish, he wouldn't have lasted three seconds...[Domenech is] the worst coach in French football since Louis XVI...If it was up to me, I'd put Laurent Blanc in charge" - Eric Cantona.


"As a Liverpool player I can't play in my blue Nike boots. They strongly discourage me from doing that. Blue is Everton's colour and Liverpool and Everton are rivals in everything" - Ryan Babel reveals the sacrifices he has made to play for Liverpool.


"I am 100% sure we will finish in the top four. The team will play well when all the players are available so I am sure we will finish in the top four" - Rafa Bwenitez. Watch this space.


"For f***'s sake the World Cup is in June. Is he on holiday until June 11?" - Arsene Wenger responds to a question about Theo Walcott.


"I had a funny feeling before this game. My kit sponsors had given me a pair of bright green boots and I'd tried them on before the match, only for Clive Allen to say I couldn't wear them. So I changed back to a pair of pinkish silver ones, and go and score five. It was like a dream. Brilliant" - Jermain Defoe.


"JD can do anything he wants to do...Maybe he's not as well known - not than he's any less talented - as say Brazil's forwards, or Messi, or someone like that. That's because that's Brazil and Barcelona. Put Jermain Defoe up front for Barcelona and I'm sure he'd be well known as well" - Jonathan Woodgate gets rather carried away by Defoe's five goals against Wigan. Yes, Wigan.


"Roberto is Wigan's manager and I have complete faith in him and I know the supporters have. He has got a difficult time, he inherited a team that was a little bit weak on reserves when Steve left. Steve actually had a few dodgy signings just before he left Wigan and he has inherited those dodgy signings so I can't blame Roberto one iota" - Wigan chairman Dave Whelan blames the ex-manager for the 9-1 defeat.


"I was trying to think of the couple of dodgy signings he was on about and I can only think of Hugo Rodallega and Charles N'Zogbia, who were signed at the back end of my time there, and if Wigan want to offload those two then we will be happy to take them" - Bruce hits back.


"Every footballer needs an adviser at some point, but a player doesn't need to pay between 5 and 15 per cent of his wages to a guy to set up a bank account, buy him a new fridge or ask his club's chief executive for a pay rise" - Citizen Neville.


"I'm going to ask you do you fancy it? Do you like getting kicked? Do you like the fact that I'm going to be at you for the whole 90 minutes? As soon as you get the ball I'm going to be in your face. You're not going to like it one bit. And when we have the ball, I'm going to run you into the corner and you're going to have to follow me. Are you ready for that? Because that's what's going to happen" - Darren Fletcher comes over all Peep Show.


"He's a big man and he must need a big ticker to keep him going. We wish him all the best and it will take quite a bit to knock down that old elephant" - Ryan Nelsen on Sam Allardyce's injury.


"We'll talk just before the game and after it - but he won't be able to speak to me during the match. His wife confiscated his phone on Sunday. She will do the same this time probably" - Bolton assistant boss Neil McDonald reveals that Mrs Allardyce controls the old elephant.


"When you play Sam Allardyce's team, it is like Tony Pulis's. He doesn't like the team to keep the ball. It is two passes and then you play forward" - Abdoulaye Faye reveals Stoke's complex tactical plan.


"Do I commiserate with Wayne? Well, he's only got one, hasn't he? In my house, one wakes the other and it's like a conveyor belt, especially when they are ill. I didn't realise it would be so hard" - Lee Bowyer, dad of twins.


"We are in a relegation fight and I've said that to the lads. They might as well understand that now than in a few weeks' time. The fact is we look like a team that could get relegated. Everton were in the bottom three for a while but are they a team that looked like getting relegated? There's a subtle difference there" - Mick McCarthy.


"I had problems with certain players at Arsenal, especially one, whose name I will not say because I don't want to feed the controversy. I didn't have much time on the pitch last year because I think there's a player who got the manager believing that he and I had no understanding on the field. That did surprise me hugely" - Who could Kolo Toure possibly mean?


"Joining City is not something that will ever happen. When you have got red blood you cannot see yourself with blue blood" - Phil Neville beats off previously-unreported interest from Man City.