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 Post subject: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Aren't Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:39 pm 
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The Holy Trinity

"I must thank God for this success. Credit also goes to Dave Whelan and Steve Bruce for their determination to sign me" - Amr Zaki.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:46 pm 
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Evidence
You'd think that Neil Custis of The Sun would have some interesting stuff to write about at present, but apparently the burning issue of the day is who Cristiano Ronaldo is standing with in the airport.

Under the headline 'What's Gone Ron-G? Cristiano's Out Of Love With United', Custis writes:

'Cristiano Ronaldo says he is happy at Manchester United - but his body language this week told a very different story.'

Crivens - has Neil uncovered a big exclusive that indisputably proves Ronaldo is on his way?

Well...no.

His 'evidence' reads thus: 'On arrival at the small Danish airport he stood apart from the rest of his team-mates, who were joking and signing autographs.

'Only when the team began to file out of the baggage area did his Portuguese team-mate Nani go over to Ronaldo and beckon him to join the end of the line.

'On the eve of Champions League matches the team always train at the stadium they are to play in. The first 15 minutes of the session are open to the Press, when players indulge in a footballing game of piggy in the middle. Ronaldo always used to enjoy this - not on this occasion, however.'

It's investigative journalism at its finest.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:47 pm 
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"Transylvania. Famous, of course for Count Dracula which was created by Irishman Bram Stoker. Another famous export from these parts is The Cheeky Girls whose biggest hit was called 'touch my bum'. Hopefully the players won't be up to anything like that this evening" - RTE's Stephen Alkin gives us the vital word on Chelsea's opponents.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:59 pm 
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This one from May deserves to go in here.

"Once again he hugged me, but this time in an unforgettable way. This embrace not only testified him recognising me but also to the importance this man attached to those who mattered to him. Incredible - and then he said 'Thank you. I will fight for you - you won't regret it, I will stay loyal to you all my life'. And That is what he has done" - The latest extract from Didier Drogba's autobiography, describing the love that dare not speak its name between he and Jose.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:28 pm 
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Our sympathies go to Oliver Brown of The Daily Telegraph, who could well have contracted some form of shambles virus after his trip to White Hart Lane at the weekend.

From his match report:

'Spurs did not play badly. Jermaine Jenas looked like an international footballer again. Gareth Bale, too, put in the kind of shift at left-back that would encourage Fabio Capello.'

We had no idea Don Fabio was so concerned with Wales' prospects.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:40 pm 
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So why is it that former Tottenham legend Chris Waddle believes that Arsenal winger Theo Walcott should be dropped - "I hope Capello leaves the Arsenal youngster on the bench" - for the forthcoming World Cup qualifiers against Kazakhstan and Belarus despite his man-of-the-match performance and hat-trick in Zagreb?

His arguments, with the greatest respect to a man who should know plenty about wing-play and was in paid employment in Zagreb as a pundit for Setanta, are not exactly convincing.

For instance, according to Waddle: "Despite his hat-trick, Walcott began the match very poorly in Croatia. He couldn't control the ball, he looked very edgy and nervous."

Err, but hang on a minute, what is it that Waddle famously announced on air less than a minute before Walcott opened the scoring in Croatia? Ahh, yes: "He started brightly but he's now struggling to make an impact."

Genius.

For Waddle, speaking to The Daily Mail, the solution would be to play Shaun Wright-Phillips on the right flank while Walcott sits on the bench.

"If Capello uses injured Joe Cole's absence to make room for Steven Gerrard, then I think Manchester City's Shaun Wright-Phillips is a better bet than the Arsenal man."

Good to learn that Waddle has been doing his research - or at least reading the newspaper that is now paying him a tidy sum. After all, it was only on Tuesday that The Daily Mail announced: 'Sportsmail can also reveal that Shaun Wright-Phillips was brought into the squad as a direct left-sided replacement for Joe Cole. The Manchester City winger, who has not played for his country since scoring in Capello's first match in charge against Switzerland in February, might be predominantly right-footed but he is earmarked to replace Cole.'

But hang on Chris, isn't there a player even better suited to take the role on the left than Gerrard, SWP, Cole or Walcott? Come on, don't be shy. You're an expert. You know more about left-wingers than the rest of us could ever forget. Tell us who you really think is the Great Hope of English wing-play.

So, with a nod in the direction of The Independent circa 2004, take it away to deliver the indisputable proof that you are an expert who should be listened to:

'Downing has caught the eye with classy goals against Manchester United, Portsmouth and in Europe, but there is more to his case than a few casual television fans jumping on a popular bandwagon. The experts feel Downing is the genuine article. His fellow North-east native Chris Waddle, possibly England's last world-class naturally left-sided midfielder, has been following Downing's career for years, and saw him run the show in Thursday's comprehensive Uefa Cup win over Lazio.

'Waddle, who won 62 England caps, firmly believes in Downing, who is a versatile player rather than a touchline hugger. Waddle said: "Stewart's obviously a different type of player to Rooney, but like him he gets people off their seats when he picks the ball up, and it's nice to see. He's got a tremendous turn of pace, a lovely left foot, he's a great crosser on the run, has a shot on him, and is good at set-pieces.

'"England are looking for someone on the left, and if Stewart keeps playing the way he did here against Lazio, he'll force his way in by public demand. Potentially, he's a godsend for Sven. He's a natural left-footer who would give us balance, and I say, 'Get him in now'."'

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:47 pm 
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The Understatement Of The Year
From Sporting Life's match tracker:

'80 - Shrewsbury have the better of play. Key player: Grant Holt'

Match Facts:

Wycombe 0 Shrewsbury 7
Scorers - Holt (12) , (27), (80) , (81), (86), McIntyre (39), Cansdell-Sherriff (74),

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:21 pm 
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Some Of His Best Friends Iz Woofters, Innit

FIFA's fine of three bob and a bit of string for the racist chants aimed at Emile Heskey was pretty appalling, and someone with some degree of clout needed to come out and say so.

Who would've thought that clouter would be Rio Ferdinand?

While his comments about racism were welcome and carried a surprising amount of sense and authority, the other bit of his proclamation yesterday didn't scan quite so well.

"Croatia were fined a few thousand quid. What good is that going to do? That is not going to stop people shouting racist or homophobic abuse" said Rio.

Presumably this is the same battler for sexual rights and wannabe spokesman for Stonewall who appeared on Radio One back in 2006 to promote his seminal 'Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups' opus.

In response to Chris Moyles' (boy, that studio must've damn near exploded with the sheer volume of c**tery) question "If you had to, who would you rather go out with - Smudger or Scholesy?", Rio said: "That is not my bag that, that is not my game, talking about going out with geezers."

When Moyles pressed further, saying that he'd prefer Smith himself, Rio hit back with the witty and acerbic barb: "You're a faggot."

The gay community will no doubt be delighted with his latest offer of support.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:51 pm 
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'Arry Redknapp is no stranger to bigging himself up. You need quite the ego to think you, with a single FA Cup to your name, is better qualified to be England manager than that fella with nine league titles under his belt.

And Droopy carries on this fine tradition in his column in The Sun this morning, bragging: 'I have always taken over poor teams and made them better.'

League position when 'Arry took over at Southampton in 2004: 18th in the Premier League.

League position when 'Arry left Southampon, a little over a year later: 12th in the Championship.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:52 pm 
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David Davies take note - this is how to write an entertaining footballing memoir.

Former French international Jerome Rothen is about to bring out his own tome, 'You're Not Going To Believe Me' in which he has some tales to tell about good ol' Billy Gallas.

Rothen writes: "At school he was a right wally - he would sit at the back of the class as far away from the blackboard as possible. One day the maths teacher gave us a test - she knew that William understood nothing about maths, so she allowed him to use the textbook. But even with the book under his nose he still only got four out of 20!

"One evening, Eric Sitruk burst into my room and shouted, 'Someone has stolen my bank card and taken out 1,500 francs (£150)'.

"Furious, he accused five of us. It made sense because we were all very close, we had the keys to each other's rooms and knew the codes to our bank cards so we could lend each other money. Next evening, Eric said he had gone to the bank and a surveillance camera had filmed the person using the card.

"He said, 'I know who is guilty'. It was a bluff. But an hour later, William knocked on his door and admitted his mistake."

Excellent.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:26 pm 
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Good news chaps.

If you want an impossibly attractive girl to desperately fall for you, forgive you even if your drunken humping/vomiting is splashed all over the papers and still profess her undying love, take notes from the Ashley Cole school of charm.

From an interview with Cheryl Cole in The Sun: "The first time I met him he was at my mate's flat. I walked past the window and he shouted: 'Hey, hot lips', and 'Nice bum'.

"I hate stuff like that, so I rolled my eyes and was, like, 'P*** off'. But the more I saw him in the papers the more I couldn't stop thinking about him."

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:05 pm 
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"We are going to get out of this or I'm going to kill the players, coaching staff and anyone else" - Rosario Central president Horacio Usandizaga gees his players up for their impending battle against relegation.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:16 pm 
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Resurrection Joe wrote:
"We are going to get out of this or I'm going to kill the players, coaching staff and anyone else" - Rosario Central president Horacio Usandizaga gees his players up for their impending battle against relegation.


He sounds South American - I fully belive this man would actually go on the rampage and kill them all.....he's the kind of man I want running my club!

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:20 pm 
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Resurrection Joe wrote:
Good news chaps.

If you want an impossibly attractive girl to desperately fall for you, forgive you even if your drunken humping/vomiting is splashed all over the papers and still profess her undying love, take notes from the Ashley Cole school of charm.

From an interview with Cheryl Cole in The Sun: "The first time I met him he was at my mate's flat. I walked past the window and he shouted: 'Hey, hot lips', and 'Nice bum'.

"I hate stuff like that, so I rolled my eyes and was, like, 'P*** off'. But the more I saw him in the papers the more I couldn't stop thinking about him."


What a slag.

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:25 pm 
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Resurrection Joe/Cheryl Cole wrote:
"I hate stuff like that, so I rolled my eyes and was, like, 'P*** off'. But the more I saw him in the papers the more I couldn't stop thinking about him."


:rolleyes:


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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:02 pm 
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From the latest Holy Moly mailout:

'It's a little known perk of the job for football journalists, but at the end of every season, Nike invite a team of hacks to play at Old Trafford: the real pitch, the real kit, against real legends. Step forward Nuts journalist Adam Ralph. A 'lifelong' United supporter from Clapham, on his first trip to the Theatre of Dreams, the self-named 'silver fox' got to chow down on the same table as Dennis Irwin, the living United legend.

'During the Q&A session over dessert, Nuts writer Ralph puts up his hand and asks the following question in front of the 'real' writers and his United heroes:

"Dennis, do you remember where you were when United won the Treble in Barcelona in '99?" The Irishman paused briefly, looked up at Ralph and answered softly:

"Oh yes, son. I was playing left back." Cue Adam Ralph turning the colour of his hastily purchased United shirt.'

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:04 pm 
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Resurrection Joe wrote:
From the latest Holy Moly mailout:

'It's a little known perk of the job for football journalists, but at the end of every season, Nike invite a team of hacks to play at Old Trafford: the real pitch, the real kit, against real legends. Step forward Nuts journalist Adam Ralph. A 'lifelong' United supporter from Clapham, on his first trip to the Theatre of Dreams, the self-named 'silver fox' got to chow down on the same table as Dennis Irwin, the living United legend.

'During the Q&A session over dessert, Nuts writer Ralph puts up his hand and asks the following question in front of the 'real' writers and his United heroes:

"Dennis, do you remember where you were when United won the Treble in Barcelona in '99?" The Irishman paused briefly, looked up at Ralph and answered softly:

"Oh yes, son. I was playing left back." Cue Adam Ralph turning the colour of his hastily purchased United shirt.'


:lol: Priceless!


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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:33 pm 
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That's very funny. Where do they find these guys?

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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 5:06 pm 
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Presumably Clapham :lol: :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: Who Says Footballers, Fans & Journalists Are Dumb?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:26 pm 
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Sky Sports' Geoff Shreeves: "Frank, you absolutely demolished them out there, was it easy?"

Fwankie: "Er, yeah..."

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